Watching a 5′ 2” soccer mom drive around in a 900-ton whale, getting three miles to the gallon, makes my brain hurt. Sure she has to lug some kids around every now and then, but it’s time to throw vanity out the window and swallow a big heaping spoonful of practicality. Get a freakin’ minivan. I’m not going to like having one but at least I can regress to my childhood when I’m driving it and think I’m tooling around in my friend’s parents’ minivan, which we dubbed the “Suburban Assault Vehicle”, or SAV. Of course we would just drive to drive, which was very green of us. Good times.

I reminisce because pretty boy John Edwards, who incidentally is my vote for el presidente if Al “Global Warming” Gore doesn’t run, has called for people to sacrifice their SUVs. I think a lot of guys would give up sex before they’d turn in the keys to their Escalades but that’s just me. And while getting advice on sacrificing from a guy building a 1.4 million square foot house is beyond ironic, he’s got a point. Americans (the ones who have anything to sacrifice) have sacrificed next to nothing recently. The less fortunate Americans are losing limbs in Iraq or their homes on the courthouse steps while the rest of us selfish pigs are driving insanely inefficient machines without a care in the world.

I really, really, really, really hope that our next president is not just adequate, but the antithesis of Bush. Dubya has completely ruined this country and what it used to stand for. We need someone who can show all the ignoramuses in this country that it’s okay to change their ways, and society will be better for it. The best part is it wouldn’t require you to give up a limb, or your house.