The Heat Done Broke!
August 31st, 2007 | Posted in Climate Change, Secularism
Glory, glory, hallelujah! Through prayer the believers have done broke through those liberal lies of science and cured the metro area of global warming. Praise Jesus! Next on the docket, “How the hell does tapping my foot to my favorite hymnal while dropping the kids off at the pool mean I want some man on man action?!” Oh Senator Larry “I’m not gay, I don’t do these kinds of things” Craig of Idaho, you make me chuckle.
From another “I” state, forward progress regarding the sustainability of our social environment. A judge in Iowa has thrown out the state’s ban on same-sex marriage and granted marriage licenses to six gay couples. Cheers! I still don’t understand how people can be so hell-bent on discriminating in the name of an “institution” that has a failure rate of 50% in the United States. That’s half for you folks you did better on the reading comprehension part of your standardized tests. And even some of the “successful” ones are built around lies, as Mr. Craig, of previous paragraph fame, can tell you. Man on oh man!
Of course, maybe the religious right’s concerns are based on science. As reported in the prestigious Weekly World Inquisitor, “Homosexuality is the chief cause of the looming ecological disaster, claims a new faith-inspired report”. This is “stain your underwear” funny.
Homosexuals are destroying the planet. That’s the stunning conclusion of a report by a British scientist working for a worldwide research institute.
“Global warming is a gay issue,” said the organization’s chief para-scientist, Professor Helmut Junk at a press conference yesterday. “The heat generated in discos, bath houses, the manufacture of interior furnishings, leather tanning and the result of … um …. friction, is a major contributor to the global rise in mean temperature. There are also lifestyle issues, such as homosexuals’ liking for gas-guzzling Jeeps and the environmental impact of frequent vacations in Ibiza, Gran Canaria, San Francisco and Margate.”
He denied, however, that gays’ fondness for houseplants and gardening offsets their carbon footprint to a degree.
Prof Junk’s work is sponsored by the United Faith Science & Biblical Truth Foundation. According to the organization’s marketing material, “The UFS&BTF adopts a far more rigorous attitude to science than most scientists. The science community in general is all too willing to accept ideas — even the most bizarre and outlandish theories such as evolution, relativity and paleontology — based on little more than data, factual evidence and predictability. Our organization adopts a more selective and stringent approach. That’s because we go the extra mile and ensure that our ideas conform with the ultimate test of reason and commonsense — the Word of God.”
While refusing to release the details of the study, Junk added: “The important thing is that, at last, we have the most convincing and morally correct proof, in scientific-sounding terms, about the roots of this important issue.”
Through my tears of laughter I see that the report appears to show conclusive proof that gays do in fact cause global warming. And while we’re talking about conclusive proof, I was entranced by this wonderful piece. Uh . . . , at least in this fantasyland global warming is acknowledged as fact. That’s progress people! You can’t debate the causes if people can’t see the symptoms. So, as you’re out and about this weekend, perhaps having a gay ol’ time in the park, abate your joy in the restroom lest you desire to make the world a wee bit warmer, or find yourself on national television standing next to your wife claiming your beliefs make the world a colder, darker place.
Happy Labor Day!
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